I have a long documented history of insomnia… Averaging a couple of hours a night is not new to me, I’m used to being a bit shortchanged but combine that with jetlag from a jaunt to Seattle and i’m currently unbearable to be around. The Seattle trip was because aforementioned ex-father-in-law was given a few days to live instead of the ‘possibly a few months let’s see how it goes’. Cue a mad rush to book tickets and go over and show some support.. Was a first time trip to the US for the fella, so made sure we did all the touristy things that you would do in Seatown whilst trying to provide an emotional crutch for the ex-hubby, who’s father died while we were there. There was a very bizarre Easter Sunday moment of me, my fella, the ex and his gf, an ex ‘friend with benefits’ of the hubby, the ex-brother-in-law and various offspring.. whilst it started off a little strained we did actually end up having a really good day – thankfully!
But I digress – this started on insomnia. The jetlag going over to the US wasn’t too bad, but coming back was horrendous. I planned on going into work the next day when I got back.. EPIC FAIL. I slept for about 18 hours and STILL felt tired.. It’s now been a week since i’ve returned and I STILL feel tired. I’m also struggling each night to actually get off to sleep.. the legs go restless, I go hot and cold, and I end up going through my ‘reboot’ routine more than a few times (this involves getting up, going for a wee, cooling down my feet and then coming back to bed and reading my kindle for a few minutes..
I’m out of ideas as to how to stop this. I’ve tried taking an antihistamine based sleeping aid – whilst it made a difference on one night (couldn’t open eyes, kept walking into doors / walls / everything, didn’t know where I was half the time) last night it didn’t do a damn thing. At 01:30 I was still attempting the re-boot and getting frustrated because it wasn’t working.. For me to function the next day I need at least 6 hours – anything less and there will be issues. For example – today I feel like a complete space cadet, I am struggling to focus, and this blog will probably be utter chaos. And that’s not even mentioning the typos that my OCD fingers are having to correct whilst putting this together.. be grateful this isn’t live because you would be scratching your heads and saying ‘huh??’
::a brief pause while I break for lunch / a walk around Canary Wharf.. yeah I know, you don’t really care..::
My brain is that boggled that I have completely lost my train of thought. So i’ll end with a few pics from the Seattle trip instead cos I have no idea what the hell i’m actually talking about any more…
It’s been a week (or so..) of doing things differently.. back to the gym and finally attempting upper body exercises post wrist surgery – at the moment this involves using power-lifting hooks to take some of the strain off my still-recovering tendons for lat pulldowns. Here’s what a hook looks like:
I’ve found that with those wrapped around my wrists (have to do both, otherwise you end up completely fecking lopsided trying to pull down the bar) I can now manage several sets of pulldowns. I’m contemplating trying it on the rowing machine to see how that goes but have to say i’m a bit worried about the speed.. think there’s potential to yank the left wrist and undo some of the good work they did by scraping all the crap off my tendons and debrading (posh word for scraping crap off) the cartilage… we shall see. The next test is chest press, but wearing my wrist brace. I reckon as it has a metal support that won’t let my wrist bend too far backwards, or put too much strain on the joint, chest press could very soon be a possibility..
In any rate, whilst being bummed out about the exercises I currently can’t do, I cheered myself up with an old fave.. leg press. 100kg, four sets of ten.. for some reason just slamming heavy weight with my big ole thunder thighs always makes me feel better..
And I tried something else new too – there’s currently a trend sweeping the UK that’s changing the way women wash their hair.. Conditioner first. Yeah I wasn’t buying it either. But i’ve now washed the mop twice using the arse about face method – wet hair, slather with conditioner, leave for a few mins, shampoo twice… and so far this morning my hair is looking fuller than usual, lots of bounce, and although I was expecting dragging a brush through it to be a moment of trauma, it was actually fairly easy!
I’m aiming to make this a long term experiment – a couple of perky hair moments really isn’t naff all in the grand scheme of things.. so i’m gonna try it for a couple of weeks. And then we’ll REALLY see if it works, or if it’s just a load of old roap. Or soap.
I’ll keep you posted… 🙂
This week started with the loss of an old friend and an old flame..
Marcus was larger than life. Always smiling, always joking. A handsome, ever-smiling bastard 🙂 The life and soul of any party, pub or gathering. At 43 he was WAY too young to leave us. His smile and laughter were infectious – I lost count of the ridiculous things I remember him doing to make me laugh, from a beer session where we critiqued a porno to dancing around his room to Public Enemy for no reason other than we could. He leaves behind two sons and an army of people who loved him and remember him with HUGE amounts of love.
I have never wanted to drown my sorrows so much. I have never wanted something to be a sick joke, or case of mistaken identity so much. The last few days have been full of reminiscing, tears, bittersweet laughter, ‘what-ifs’.. A reminder that life just isn’t fair. And it’s still so small in the grand scheme of things. Families of the missing Malaysia Airlines jet must be going through unimaginable hell while they wait for more information.. any information. I can’t begin to comprehend their frustration, fear and anger over this hell of a situation..
And then the ex-father-in-law has just been diagnosed with cancer. What next? Any more curveballs, universe?
Makes my whining about being overweight pretty fucking insignificant..
Suck it up sunshine, you’re still breathing.
I still have all my limbs. I still have relative health. I can still drag my oversized arse to the gym and fix my problem. So I am. No drowning of sorrows, still sticking to the diet.. check-up following my wrist surgery has gone well, so I seriously need to shut my noise and get on with it.
And I shall.
Miss you Marcus. Porn and PE, Stella and Storm Watches… none of them will ever be the same.
Well, that went well. Episode one of the weight loss journey started off with five pounds lost, flu, ten pounds gained, and wrist surgery. Hence my ass being incredibly reticent to post. But today i’m kicking myself into gear (again..). Actually, I tell a lie. I’ve been kicking myself into gear this week. Dutifully logging all food into the fitbit app on my phone, and attempting to make my steps. The steps do need to ‘step’ up a gear tho (see what I did there? fnar, fnar..) so in spite of my wrist still being in a brace I shall be heading to the gym this weekend for a legs workout..
Weight loss this week? 3lbs since Monday. Two protein shakes, two diet gels and a stack of supplements plus a nice healthy meal in the evening so i don’t feel deprived. Yesterday I added an extra apple during the day for a bit of a change.. ooh.. you rebel you..
Speaking of Fitbit – have to totally recommend my Fitbit flex. I love that it tracks my sleep. I love that it tracks my steps so I can actually see when i’ve been a non-moving troll – it helps to motivate my supersize behind out of my chair and walk a lap around the sixth floor. And I splurged and bought a Fitbit Aria scale which syncs with everything else and doesn’t let me cheat on weight measurement.. sometimes a bit of a bastard.. but definitely needed. Who knew I was such a sneaky, weight-cheating mofo.. :-S
More to come. I promise.
But at least we’re going down! I don’t care if it’s still water weight, it’s a drop in the nasty figure I saw on my scale..
Me and the fella went for a four mile walk around Crystal Palace and the surrounding area on Sunday, just for the hell of it. There were hills and everything. I felt like dying on the final hill stretch, and effed/jeffed for 200 metres.. but did it. AND it was raining! Go me and my determination.. or some other crap like that lol.. I felt good about pushing myself to trek at pace in the rain.. the fella felt good about helping me get on with things.. win win situation!
I’ve got a CT scan this afternoon to have another look at the fubar’d cartilage in my wrist – i’m hoping they won’t do their normal timescale crap, and I can get home early enough to… DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNN….
GO TO THE GYM!!
Baby steps, people.. baby steps…
P.S. Day five of not smoking/drinking/eating carbs, going well so far..
14 stone 5 pounds. There it is. The heaviest I have ever been in my life. It wasn’t easy reading that figure, especially as a few months back I was a stone lighter.. And I have no one to blame but myself. Each time I ordered a takeaway instead of cooking from scratch, each time I joined the other half in devouring a pile of junk food, each time I ate more than I really needed to eat. It’s all on me. And just in case anyone reads this and things ‘silly woman, be happy with yourself no matter what size you are’ you know what? If that mentality works for you, then you go for your life. But this weight at my height is NOT healthy. My father died of complications from diabetes, I don’t plan on doing the same. I already have enough shite to deal with from my colitis – I would be CRAZY to add to that already sizeable problem. I do like the person I am, but I HATE the way I look. I hate that each day putting socks on has become more of a damn effort! I hate that instead of a slim waist I bulge over everything. I hate that instead of liking the way I look in the mirror some days I almost refuse to look..
It’s all on me. I have to take responsibility for each time i’ve made an excuse. I have to suck it up, and get on with it.
Damn tho.. giving up carbs, alcohol AND nicotine all in one fell swoop is FECKING HARD!! LOL 🙂
Well, that’s Christmas and NYE out of the way. I’m several days late starting the diet, and goodness knows how many days behind with my blog. But at least i’m making a start. As I know it works well for me, i’m taking a Dukan-like approach, at least for the first couple of weeks which will be where i’m eating pure protein to give myself a kickstart. I tend to be a lot more motivated when I can actually SEE something happening, and even though I know the majority of the weight I will initially lose will be water weight, the fact that there will be a major visible difference will help my head..
My biggest problem at the moment is that i’m suffering an energy burn-out thanks to my colitis. After staying up WAAAY too late over Christmas I ended up with almost three days curled up in bed just needing to rest. Add a very late NYE to that mix, and i’m out of steam. So i’m in work looking like i’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, and frankly couldn’t give a shit.. I suppose at least i’m here, and working – be grateful for small mercies.
I meant to weigh myself this morning to give myself a starting point – as I completely goldfished this out i’ll be weighing and measuring later tonight… I may even take a dreaded photograph. If i’m out there in all my fatness, i’ll have extra motivation to suck it up and get on with things…